I've been having issues lately with giving. I don't have any real trouble with giving, I'm a pretty giving person. But how much is enough? I get really hung up on fairness and when I feel that I've given my 'fair share' then I have to really push through in order to continue giving.

I'm in a situation with my ex-wife that I find myself having to really dig deep to continue giving, even though I have given 'enough'. According to the rules...I have done everything I'm supposed to do, and I've gone way beyond that in many, many cases. Per the clauses in our divorce papers, I provide a lot of child support that is supposed to go toward very specific things that I no longer am responsible for paying directly. I happily pay that.

Recently she was diagnosed with breast cancer and is currently undergoing chemotherapy. A lot going on in her life to say the least. As a result, I end up directly paying for a lot of expenses that are supposed to be covered by her with the child support. I do it, it isn't easy to pay for things 'twice' but I do it so my kids don't miss out. And I don't get on her case about it because she's fighting for her life right now.

It isn't all about money though. I give of my time, leaving work early, arriving late, burning my leave to get my kids places that she can no longer get them to and her new husband can't either. I and my lovely girlfriend make meals for her and her husband so they can have more quality time to deal with what they are dealing with.

All this is really fine with me. I'm not always happy about it, but I am happy to be able to help with the things I can help with, and of course, I'm happy to be able to provide for my children and support them through this difficult time and continue to have things be as normal as they can be for them. I push through the times when I get selfish and do it because it's the right thing to do.

But when is enough enough? Despite these and the other things I do, I am still being asked to do more. Not directly by anyone, but by God. I ask Him, haven't I done enough? It's not my responsibility anymore. Of course I don't hardly get the thoughts out of my head before the answer comes back....no it isn't enough. If I have more to give, I have to give it.

It's hard. My pride gets in the way and it is a daily struggle to overcome that. I know what the right thing to do is but I have to convince myself to overcome those feelings and just do it.

It's not fair. I've fulfilled my obligations and lived up to my responsibilities, why do I have to give more? The answers are clear, because it may not be 'fair' (whatever that is) but it is right.

So don't just give until it hurts. Push past that hurt and give some more. I'm reminded of a Denis Leary line....'life sucks, get a helmet!' Put that helmet on, suck it up and give some more. You may never get repaid. You may never get a thank you but that's not what its about. It's about doing what is right and helping someone in need. And of course you will get something in return. The blessings you receive back will be multiplied immeasurably.

But never forget, once you demonstrate you can overcome your pride and do the right thing, you will also be blessed with the resources to give even more! So it never ends and it's never enough. The bar keeps being reset higher and higher and it is up to us to fight through the selfishness and feelings of unfairness to achieve the high standard set by God.

That's my challenge that I'm coming to grips with this season!

Its been a looong time since anything has been posted here. Life is very different now...and for the better! I'd still like to keep this going, maybe taking a slightly different direction, but still dealing with life's lessons, how I've learned and applied them.

One thing I noticed today when I got the mail. Two Christmas cards from corporate entities. I added them to the wall where I put up Christmas cards in my house and noticed I now have 3! One from my aunt and uncle and these two. What is it saying when the majority of holiday greetings you get are not from 'people', but businesses like my mortgage company, realtor, insurance company, the company I work for... Methinks I need to get about establishing some real relationships in life!

Tonight I confronted my demon head-on. It was not hard. I was resolved to do it and knew it had to be done. I was just waiting for the right moment. That moment came tonight with yet another assault on my sanity.

I laid it all out for the demon. Told it I was done and wasn't going to take it anymore. I was prepared for the response and apologies that were coming. The demon is powerful, but not terribly original. The counter-attack usually has an impact on me, leaving me feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm to blame. I'm misreading things. I'm not being cooperative in order to allow the demon to change. I've just plain got it all wrong.

Well not tonight. I informed the demon that I wasn't wrong, because this was the way I was feeling and that was very real, regardless of how it happened. I wasn't interested in explanations or stories or excuses. This infuriated the demon. I suddenly had some power over it.

The demon told me things would change, it could cooperate and provide me with what I want. I again told the demon that I was done, it had had it's chance and consistently blew it!

This confrontation has left me exhausted and drained. Even though I was well prepared, I don't think you are ever really prepared for the moment you confront your demons. Still, I know it's not over. I'll need the strength I've been praying for. I didn't need it for this confrontation as much as I will to stick to my guns and finish taking back my life. I've been in this very spot before and turned back; mainly because I was unsure of myself and I didn't know if I could trust my feelings. I'm very sure of myself now and I know the situation must change; because the demon won't.

What I believe God has asked me to do seems so contrary to the results I want. Certainly not the way I would get there. But I've taken my way before, and though I have eventually arrived at my destination, it hasn't always worked as I thought it would. This time I desperately want the results I've prayed for so fervently that I'm willing to put the path to those goals in His hands. I'm definately not enjoying the ride, and it seems to get harder with every passing moment, but I trust in Him that I will arrive at my destination not only intact, but better for having taken this route.

I have to fight every urge I have to do it my way and maybe that's the lesson I have to learn this time. Complete trust.

It doesn't matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop - Confucius

If you're going through hell...keep going! - Winston Churchill